Disagreeing Without Hard Feelings (& the 5 Levels of Friendship)

The other day I attended a monthly meeting of a group -- the nature of the group does not matter at this point.  During the break, a "casual friend" of mine started telling me, much to his satisfaction, about a recent trip he took and how 9 out of 10 people he met could not stand a particular leader. I indicated that I would have been the 10th. When I explained why, he started challenging me and I countered with some direct but strong rebuttal for which he had nothing to say. I told him I was sick and tired of how so many people like he and I in so many other respects, could dislike someone so much without any valid and contextual reason.  Again he had no answer and I slid away to others in the group.

Before the break was over, he called me over and said, "Hey Ken, no hard feelings, right?  We're still friends, right?"  To which I replied, "No, no hard feelings."  As I was heading home that evening I wondered to myself, "Is that really the case?"  Is it possible for such an interaction and such strong, yet divergent feelings, to be verbalized, and acknowledged in such a way where there would be "no hard feelings" and that next time we met, it would be as if this interaction never happened?

As I started to write [which for me is great therapy for a) expressing one's frustration while at the same time b) developing one's position on a matter], it hit me that much depended on the level of friendship that two people had.  That led me to an article by Jermaine Tucker.  You can read it here. There you will find the Friendship Pyramind (see picture above) that he developed based on some of the ideas adapted from Waiting and Dating by Dr. Myles Munroe.

The Friendship Pyramid lists 5 levels of Friendship:

5. Strangers (at the bottom and thus containing the most people)
4. Acquaintances
3. Casual Friends
2. Close Friends
1. Intimate Friends (at the top and thus containing a more limited number of people)

The Pyramid also suggests what characterizes each of the levels.  We would all do well to think about these and perhaps take the trouble to both list people we know by category and then consider whether or not there are sufficient individuals in each category.

Personally, I think there should be a 6th category between Close Friends and Casual Friends -- maybe called Good Friends.  But for our purposes let's stick wth the five Tucker has provided.  Take the time to look at the characteristics of each category before proceeding to read the rest of this article.

So, what can we say about the likelihood of "no hard feelings, we're still friends, right?" when what happened to me happens in conjunction with someone in any of the five levels of friendship?  Here's my take. You are free to disagree -- no hard feelings.

With Strangers: The first thing we need to address here is whether our 'contacts' on our various social media (for the most part) are simply 'strangers' for all intents and purposes, or are they 'acquaintances'?  I'll go with the fact that the "majority" of our contacts are really strangers.  Based on that, the answer here is simple -- it is what it is.  I have found that depending on the issue, such 'strangers' will either block you or ignore you going forward.  On the odd occasion, someone may slowly return to a humane reaction to your posts if you continue to be fair and honest, not attack them personally, and comment positively on their posts where it is merited.  Otherwise, it is their choice (or yours) and it really doesn't matter, does it?

With Acquaintances: I consider acquaintances to be those that I run into in the course of carrying out my work or my life.  They happen to be where I am.  Or I have to deal with them in order to accomplish what I need to do (buy groceries, clothes, do my banking, get my vacuum repaired, etc.). Sadly, or maybe providentially, we don't often get to the point of having a "difference of opinions" on anything controversial.  Especially in the West, we stick to the weather and our local sport team when seeking a small-talk subject. Moving towards more meaningful topics like politics or religion takes a lot of careful posturing and the ability to read any clues as to a particular view that may emanate from an acquaintance.  Even then, proceed with caution.  But let's say a difference does come up -- can you both get over it?  I think the answer is "yes" -- after all, in most cases, you need their expertise and they need your business.  At best, you'll both know enough not to broach the topic in the future. At worse, you will find another provider of what you need, and he/she will find another customer.

With Casual Friends: Casual friends are those that you meet up with regularly because you both choose to attend events or activities that are of interest to both of you. Club meetings or church services are two good examples. Or perhaps you both get invited to the same parties. And if you are like me, this is where the agitation of an interaction like the one I mentioned above starts to kick in and the occurrence requires more thought and discussion afterwards, perhaps with close or intimate friends (the next two levels of friendship). And this is where you really have a meaningful choice to either let it get to you or to let it go -- because either a) you value the activity you both participate in more than winning this argument with this person or b) the person has some other qualities, and it is not worth you convincing them to change their opinions.  The relationship can be saved. Hopefully, he or she would do the same.  If not, the next time you meet, may be more awkward and a further, perhaps more consequential decision, will need to be made.

With Close Friends: These are the individuals that are supposed to have the same values, ideals, and worldview as you do. Your interests and life goals match and you're working together in one way or another to achieve the common goal(s) you both thought you had. Close friends are supposed to be connected in mind and spirit, if not also, body. First, we recognize that we have very few individuals at this level of friendship. Clearly many of our family members may well be in that category. People in our inner circle or church small groups may be there too. Long-time friends may be in this group. Business partners may be there. So when there is a disagreement in our values, ideals, or worldview, we first need to ask ourselves "Is this really a difference at that level, or is our disagreement w.r.t. methodology?" If the former, it may be time to either rethink the "closeness" of the relationship, or to decide that the relationship is so important, that the difference in values does not matter.  One example that comes to mind is having an adult child that is totally at different ends of the political spectrum than you are. And yet when it comes to family matters, work, and life in general, you and he/she have a very close relationship that won't be thrown away because of your differences.  Again the choice is yours but the stakes are much higher.

With Intimate Friends: First, I must admit, somewhat to my chagrin, that I only really have one individual in that category. You guessed it -- my spouse. We (well her more than I) are committed to developing each other's characters. We are committed to mutual honesty. After decades of living together the only thing we really disagree on is how we verbalize our disappointments.  I wear my feelings on 'her' sleeves. She considers such 'wearing' as being critical, especially when it comes to  my feelings about our children and grandchildren. And I admit, she is usually right, always helping me to look on the bright side of things, pointing out how blessed we are. All that to say that the kind of disagreement I experienced with my casual friend would not likely occur between my wife and me. But it appears that many couples are indeed giving up their relationships these days because of political and religious reasons, among many others. Still, I've seen some, who really love each other, some younger than I am, learn to accept each other's political and religious views where they differ strongly with their own. And that's the way it should be.  No hard feelings.

So, where are we? What can we learn from looking at disagreements in the light of who exactly the disagreement is with?

For starters, think about what category of "friendship" the person disagreeing with you is in. Secondly, weigh the disagreement against the value of the "friendship" or involvement you have with that person. Third, when in doubt, let it go.  Life is too short.

But most importantly, especially if you are a person of faith, consider whether your reaction will make you a better follower of your faith, or take you in the opposite direction.

I want to hear from you with your thoughts.

-- Ken Godevenos, writing from Toronto.

It would be great if you would share your thoughts or questions on this blog in the comments section below or on social media.