The Blessing of Sorrow: Turning Grief into Healing
Author: Rabbi Ben Kamin
Publisher:Central Recovery Press, Las Vegas, Nevada, 2018
I really needed to have read this book last year in order to have been better prepared for the high number of deaths in my family and close circle of friends that I experienced in the last six months. Although I have actually participated in many, and overseen a number of, funerals in my life, I believe this book has added volumes to the limited knowledge my unstructured experiences had taught me.
Rabbi Ben Kamin is well qualified to speak on the topic of death and sorrow – having experienced it over 40-plus years first-hand with the loss of his father and then hundreds, if not more, times in his various roles as a clergyman, teacher, counselor, friend, and just ordinary human being.
Kamin starts his very well written book with the ‘Ten Commandments of Grief’ and then offers chapters on deferring sorrow, understanding grief’s uniqueness, what the dying teach us about life, what to do and say to the dying and the bereaved, what to do after the funeral and in the first year of loss, understanding what funeral directors do and why, and even sensing relief after a death. Two other chapters deal with ‘communicating’ with those we’ve lost (not as far out as one may think at face value) and the value of faith and hope in the process. Each chapter has much to commend it to us.
The book is not religious in any true sense of the word, except that while an author may prefer to avoid the topic, people who face death or the loss of a loved one, can’t and don’t. Having said that, it is difficult for him to steer clear of his own pet peeves with religion. At one point, he takes issue with how we’ve moved towards “celebrations of life” in place of memorials and funerals and he cautions us about it. Kamin also draws on some interesting Jewish traditions to get across a number of salient points on grief. He calls for caution in our eagerness to rush to the conclusion that the deceased is “in a better place”. Not necessarily because he/she is not, but because doing so “creates a distraction from the hard facts of a death and impede[s] people from the grieving process. Most interesting.
Rabbi Ben has some striking ideas. Here’s one: “The death of a loved one is a potential assault on one’s mental health.” He then proceeds to explain just why. He concludes, “In short, mortality and the dead themselves, implore[s] us to ask: What is important?” Observing a gathering after a funeral, he reflects, “Alas, death is indifferent to shoes, purses, lipstick, double-breasted suits, and turbo-charged automobiles.”
Kamin provides wise advice on how we speak around those who are dying. He quotes one of them: “I’m not stupid. I know my situation. People come in here and act like they’re talking to a dead person. But I’m still alive! While I’m still here, I wish people would not whisper in my presence like I’m some kind of defunct cow.” And there’s much more. Like, the dying “want to be sure they are remembered.” And, “[H]ow does one talk to the grieving? Let’s start with this idea: less is more.” Frank, direct, interesting.
And then there are some great contributions on how to answer a dying person’s questions on “why God is allowing this to happen” to them. There are also interesting thoughts on John F. Kennedy’s own thinking on death that add to the value of the book.
I thoroughly enjoyed his many pages on funeral homes and the work that funeral directors do, both in the burial and the cremation processes. Very informative.
Kamin shares a most personal event retelling his experience of what occurred as he was alone with a 16-year old girl that had just died. Let me just give you one line from that account: “I don’t believe in ghosts; I believe in souls.” You’ll have to get the book to read more.
His quotes from other sources are most relevant including that of an unknown philosopher: “Life asked Death, ‘Why do people love me but hate you?’” The answer will astound you. And then there’s a quote from Seneca: “The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity.” As a person of faith, and a Christian, I can identify with that.
He deals with guilt as he tells in some detail what happened to his mother after his dad died. Needless to say, it did not go well. He deals with the idea that sometimes we can feel relief in the death of a person.
And finally, he introduces us to a theme that he repeats throughout the book – perhaps the highlight of the teaching for me. It’s a quote from a rabbinical prayer book: “Grief is a great teacher, if it sends us back to serve [and bless] the living.” That was powerful.
I strongly recommend the book for anyone who is still alive and will one day have to deal either with their own impending death or the death of a loved one. Pastors, priests, rabbis, and lay leaders whose job it is to serve the dying and grieving would gain much. As a minimum, the level of confidence in their work of service would be enhanced greatly.
n Ken B. Godevenos, President, Accord Resolutions Services Inc., Toronto, Ontario, July 12, 2018, www.accordconsulting.com
It would be great if you would share your thoughts or questions on this blog in the comments section below or on social media.
