Helping a Loved One Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs

I agreed to review this book because the topic fascinated me.  Throughout my many decades of life I had come across people who operated in groups that were somewhat foreign to me. Some people held beliefs which were not only different than mine, but, for the most part, they were based on the statements or claims of another human being, and added to, subtracted from, or misrepresented the ‘truth’ as I was reading it in the Bible.  When these beliefs were dangerous, I learned to dub the groups as “cults”.  When they were just plain “ridiculous” but otherwise less harmful, I could well have dubbed them as “belief controllers” and when it was an individual imprisoning the thoughts, feelings, actions of one or more other people, I referred to them as “controllers” and where such control was extreme, as “absuers”.

It is with that background that I dove into Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults and Beliefs by Steven Hassan, Freedom of Mind Press, Newton, Mass., 2012. (244 pages, paperback)

The author has provided the reader with a well-organized book by first identifying the common threads that run through cults while at the same time making no bones about some of the reasons why now more than ever more people are susceptible to cults.  He proceeds to describe various approaches to ‘rescuing’ people from cults that have been employed in the past, pointing out their strengths as well as their shortcomings, and he zeroes in on the approach he has developed over the years known as the ‘Strategic Interactive Approach’ (SIA).

What struck me here, and I am so glad that he keeps repeating it throughout the book is the need for understanding that success (having your loved one leave the control of a cult or individual) depends most critically on you (his/her loved one) and your team being patient, very patient, and taking ‘baby steps’ towards the outcome.  That is a very hard pill to swallow for some, but there is no circumventing it.

Once we can accept that, he then takes us very thoroughly through the steps of properly evaluating the situation, building the right team, examining our own lives, and understanding the beliefs and tactics used by the controllers and the person being controlled.  Chapters of the book are devoted to recognizing and interacting with the victim’s (your loved one) “dual identities” – his/her real self and the self they have adopted as a member of the cult they are now part of.  He shows us how to recognize each, how to communicate appropriately, and how to help unlock the phobias that the victim may be operating under.  Finally, Hassan goes into great detail in how to plan and hold an actual intervention should it become necessary.

Steven Hassan is not only America’s leading cult expert, but he speaks and writes from the personal experience of having been a former all sold-out cult member for some time.  He is a licensed Mental Health Counselor with a Master’s degree in counseling psychology from Cambridge College and he has appeared on numerous well-known television and radio shows.  He currently leads Freedom of Mind Resources Center Inc. in Newton, Mass.  This must read for every person who either knows or believes someone they love is being controlled by others can be obtained at bookstores or through www.freedomofmind.com .

Freedom of Mind, while generally secular in nature, is for the most part, friendly to true and valid religions, even defining what makes them so compared to cults.  As a Christian, the book provided me with the understanding of how loved ones of victims can prepare themselves for what needs to be done while still depending totally on the grace and will of God for the final outcome.

-- Ken B. Godevenos, President, www.accordconsulting.com , Toronto, ON.

[Are you looking for a speaker at your church, your club, school, or organization? Ken is available to preach, teach, challenge, and/or motivate. Please contact us.]

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Amish Problems Bigger Than First Thought

What is it with leaders of religious sects who want to "control" their members? Here's the latest information on the story we brought you earlier, and it's not pretty.

BBC News - Seven men arrested over Amish hair-cutting attacks

[Are you looking for a speaker at your church, your club, school, or organization? Ken is available to preach, teach, challenge, and/or motivate. Please contact us.]

Thanks for dropping by. Sign up to receive free updates. We bring you relevant information from all sorts of sources. Subscribe for free to this blog or follow us by clicking on the appropriate link in the right side bar. And please share this blog with your friends. Ken Godevenos, Church and Management Consultant, Accord Consulting.

It would be great if you would share your thoughts or questions on this blog in the comments section below or on social media.

Loosing (Emotional) Control - Genesis 45:1

Then Joseph could not control himself before all those who stood by him, and he cried, “Have everyone go out from me.”  So there was no man with him when Joseph made himself known to his brothers.

This 45^th chapter of Genesis starts with the word “Then” – a word that usually signifies that “after something was said or done, ‘then’ something else ensues” and in this case what follows is that “Then Joseph could not control himself”.  But what happened just moments earlier that caused him to lose control?  For that, and remember that the original account of Genesis was not neatly written in verses and chapters, we need to go back to the last verse of chapter 44, verse 34.  There we see Joseph’s brother Judah making his closing argument to Joseph as he appeals for Joseph not to hold on to his youngest brother Benjamin because they were caught (actually framed) for stealing Joseph’s personal cup.  Here is the verse: “For how shall I (Judah) go up to my father (Jacob) if the lad (Benjamin) is not with me, lest I see the evil that would overtake my father?”

The thought of his father suffering in any way, especially by something he demanded, was enough to cause Joseph to lose control of himself.  How great must his love for his father have been?  I am reminded of the various times in my life that I caused my own dad to suffer.  In particular, I must admit that I am sometimes still bothered by the fact that I agreed to allow my father to be “let go” on his last day rather than try to keep him alive for a while longer, even though the doctors did it with the least pain possible they believed he would have to endure.  No matter what the relationship has been like or the experiences that either or both have experienced in life alone, or between them, there is always a strong bond between a father and a son.  And certainly Joseph was feeling that union’s full affect at this very moment.

There are various ways to lose control of one’s self.  Hollywood has made numerous movies about various people going “amok” and “snapping” and creating incredible havoc as they do so.  That is not what Joseph exhibited.  What Joseph did demonstrated a ‘loss of control’ that was internal, and yes emotional, but not such that it would strike out and hurt others.  It was his pain and hurt that had to surface and be dealt with.  There was no intention to get revenge or mete out injury and agony on others.

Have you ever lost control?  If so, how?  Was your hurt dealt with or did you exact more on others?

This one-verse passage ends by telling us that everyone was asked to leave the room except his brothers.  This was a family matter.  There was no need for anyone else to be there.  What a lesson for us as we deal with emotional family issues.  I am astounded each time I see family members (usually husband and wife and sometimes parent and child) battle it out on social media by hanging out the family laundry on their pages and posts.  Worse still is to see these people let it all hang out (sometimes literally) in public on shows like Gerry Springer that go nationwide and beyond, and often for money, at that.

And then of course there are situations among Christian brothers and sisters in a local church or in a denomination, or even between denominations that are made public when in fact they should not be.  Every effort should be made to deal with most of these issues internally and privately, and if necessary with the help of a professional Christian mediator.

Do not get me wrong, I believe there are times and issues where we do indeed need to get the message out beyond our own family, be it our physical or church family.  Spousal and child abuse, child pornography, criminal activity and the like come to mind.  But for the most part, many have gone far too public with their openness.  And as a result, we walk into more separations and divorces and failings out where children or parents do not try to speak to each other until they see them at their funeral and then it is too late.   Or churches split.  I’m not suggesting at all that we keep it all a secret, sweep it under the carpet, and ‘do nothing about the situation’.   Not at all.  We need to take very active and constructive steps to resolve the issues and the relationships.

Joseph did just that and the last phrase of the verse tells us of his intention that is implemented in the verses that follow.  He wanted to make “himself known to his brothers”.  We need to know when things have gone far enough.  We need to known when God expects us to take healing action.  And then we need to act.   When a need arises for such action comes into our lives, may God help us all do just that as we deal with family situations or other issues of similar consequences among our friends or our colleagues or our fellow congregants in the places we worship.

Thanks for dropping by.  Sign up to receive free updates.  We bring you relevant information from all sorts of sources.  Subscribe for free to this blog or follow us by clicking on the appropriate link in the right side bar.  And please share this blog with your friends.   Ken Godevenos, Church and Management Consultant, Accord Consulting.

It would be great if you would share your thoughts or questions on this blog in the comments section below or on social media.