Fighting Within Marriage

I did it.  I came down to the beach for a very short vacation and I didn’t bring any books.  How foolish of me.  Fortunately, I carry a list of “books I’m willing to read” as a note in my iPhone and I was able to pick some up at the local “Books A Million” outlet.  I’m now enjoying one of them.  And wouldn’t you know it, it is “fiction” – a very rare pursuit of mine.  When one of the serious magazines I read (yes, there are a few still out there) recommends it as must reading for its readers, I try to find it when a need arises as it did this week.

Such is the case with the American 1885 classic The Rise of Silas Lapham by William Dean Howells, Penguin Classics, 1986.  Howells was a contemporary of Mark Twain.  I won’t try and sell you on Howells ability as a writer – it’s quite impressive – but I wanted to share some of his thinking and wisdom that he injects into his work so well.  Let me begin with some of his thoughts on fighting within marriage.

He concludes chapter III of his book with a real affecting fight between his main character, Silas Lapham, and his wife.   He commences chapter IV with this paragraph:

THE silken texture of the marriage tie bears a daily strain of wrong and insult to which no other human relation can be subjected without lesion; and sometimes the strength that knits society together might appear to the eye of faltering faith the curse of those immediately bound by it.  Two people by no means reckless of each other’s rights and feelings, but even tender of them for the most part, may tear at each other’s heart-strings in this sacred bond with perfect impunity; though if they were any other two they would not speak or look at each other again after the outrages they exchange.  It is certainly a curious spectacle, and doubtless it ought to convince an observer of the divinity of the institution.  If the husband and wife are blunt, outspoken people like the Laphams, they do not weigh their words; if they are more refined, they weigh them very carefully, and know accurately just how far they will carry, and in what most sensitive spot they may be planted with most effect.

How true.  If you’ve been married for a while, think back at some of the whopper fights that you have had with your spouse and see if Howells is not exactly right.  A strong marriage can withstand such an interchange like no other relationship.  In my experience, even the blood-bond between parent and child is not that capable.

And is it not also correct that for some crazy reason, two people that otherwise may love each other very deeply, can, as a result of some triggered emotion or memory caused by something done afresh, something seen anew, and something said again, start tearing each other apart verbally, emotionally, and god-forbid, sometime physically?

In this day and age when so much is being said about what is and what is not a marriage relationship, I found it interesting that Howells writing 125 years ago gives us a new reason to consider its divine origin – the very fact it was built to withstand such storms and be able to successfully forget them.

Finally, Howells manages to work in yet one more clever observation and that is the two main different styles couples use when engaging in such battles – the one, like the Laphams that allows them to be perfectly blunt with each other, and the one that employs careful calculations to disguise the sending of the missiles but not the hurts that result.  Although we can never be too sure, because he is author who does not impose on his readers, he seems to me to be recommending the former as a much more honorable approach and one that allows both players to remain whole in every respect.

Perhaps it’s time for all of us to rethink how we approach doing battle with our spouses.  A healthy domestic fight can and should often strengthen the marriage, not scar it.

Where we may part company with Howells is how he describes the end of fights between the Laphams a few pages later:

With those two there was never anything like an explicit reconciliation.  They simply ignored a quarrel . . .

While the key is to come to a point of peace and start to re-engage with each other positively, there is, I believe, a better way than simply calling a truce.  To call a truce especially by ignoring to continue quarreling leaves the parties with no lessons learned, no reason to do anything different, and perhaps nothing settled with respect to what may have given rise to the dispute in the first place.  Yet sadly enough this is exactly how many couples, if not the majority, seem to handle their clashes.  They never talk about the conflict itself and how it impacted them or how it could have been handled different.  And before they know it, they repeat the performance soon thereafter – with either a different issue or sometimes, even the same one.

Can that change?  I believe so.  Let’s start with being aware of how we fight.  Let’s admit that Howells has got a pretty good front row seat by our marriage’s ‘boxing ring’ that enables him to peg us oh so well.  Then let’s commit to doing something different, something better, something that will bring about more lasting change in our approach to handling the wrangles in our relationships.

For those of us who are people of faith, our relationship with our Heavenly Father, His Son our Savior, and Holy Scriptures, provides us each with additional resources for success in this regard.

[Are you looking for a speaker at your church, your club, school, or organization? Ken is available to preach, teach, challenge, and/or motivate. Please contact us.]

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Joseph Instructs His Brothers To Take Action - Genesis 45:9-15

“Hurry and go up to my father, and say to him, ‘Thus says your son Joseph, “God has made me lord of all Egypt; come down to me, do not delay.  You shall live in the land of Goshen, and you shall be near me, you and your children and your children’s children and your flocks and your herds and all that you have.  There I will also provide for you, for there are still five years of famine to come, and you and your household and all that you have would be impoverished.”’  Behold, your eyes see, and the eyes of my brother Benjamin see, that it is my mouth which is speaking to you.  Now you must tell my father of all my splendor in Egypt, and all that you have seen; and you must hurry and bring my father down here.”  Then he fell on his brother Benjamin’s neck and wept, and Benjamin wept on his neck.  He kissed all his brothers and wept on them, and afterward his brothers talked with him.

After declaring himself to his brothers and telling them that they are not to blame themselves for the situation they are now in, but rather that it was God who orchestrated all of this for their own survival so that His promises to their great-grandfather Abraham, their grandfather Isaac, and their father Jacob would be fulfilled, Joseph now turns his attention to the action they must take.

His first concern was that they return to their father and give him the good news that his long-lost son, Joseph, is alive and well and has a message for him.  Note that he wanted them to “hurry”.  Joseph realized the importance of time given Jacob’s age.  He also wants Jacob to know that indeed God has made him successful and “lord of all Egypt”.  In essence, Joseph wanted his dad to know that God did indeed make his dreams a reality.  Joseph instructs his brothers to tell Jacob he wants him to come to him in Egypt and live there in a place called Goshen, and be blessed.  He was saying, “This is all of God’s general blessing that He promised you”.  Not only will Jacob be near Joseph, but his whole family and all their children will move there and be together with their flocks and herds.

And there’s more.  Joseph wants his father to know he will provide for Jacob and the family because there was still five more years of famine left to survive through.  He also wanted Jacob to know the consequences of his not coming to join him in Egypt.  He tells the brothers to tell Jacob they would die if they remained where they were.  We need to realize the significance of that in Jacob’s mind.  Not only would he want to live as long as he could as we all do, but I believe Joseph knew that Jacob would readily understand the impact of death on the God’s promise for Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob – the promise that God would build a nation out of the Israelites and that all the nations of the earth would be blessed through them.

As I write this, a question comes to my mind.  Imagine if Jacob had said, “No way!  We’re not going to Egypt.  We’ll stay right here and die off.”  What if God’s enemy had gotten to Jacob as only the Devil could do and have him reject Joseph’s offer?  What would that have meant for Israel and for us?  Of course, this line of thinking and questioning would lead us to a number of other topics including free will, God’s foreknowledge, etc.  I raise it only because some others reading this might.  Personally, I am satisfied God would have seen His plan worked out one way or another, for no matter how hard man -- with or without the help of the Enemy tries -- he cannot thwart God’s intentions.

Then Joseph addresses the brothers directly telling them that they are ‘eye witnesses’ to his existence and success.  He wants them, and Benjamin, to be his witnesses to their father Jacob.  Why he mentions Benjamin separately we do not know, except that perhaps he considers Benjamin very special and his only full-brother.  But what I noted here in Joseph’s reference to his brothers being witnesses is the parallelism between this and what Christ asked of his disciples as His ministry on earth was ending.  In fact, He continues to ask each of us to be His witness to others; to share with others what He has done for us.  We were not asked to be his “super salesmen”, only his witnesses.

When Joseph stopped speaking, he broke down again emotionally and hugged and kissed his brothers, crying on each of them, beginning with Benjamin.  Joseph not only provided for his brothers physically; he not only told them of his desire to take care of them and Jacob the rest of their lives; but he actually showed his love and affection to them.  He was willing to demonstrate his own weakness, lowering his guard and setting aside his position, to weep with them.  This is a watershed moment in the life of Joseph but one that brings about healing.  Verse 3 of this 45^th chapter of Genesis ends with the words, “But his brothers could not answer him…”.  This current passage ends with the phrase “…and afterward his brothers talked with him.”  The relationship had been reconciled.

How are our relationships?  Is there a watershed moment we need to initiate and experience?  Are we ready to serve and to love and to show it unequivocally?  If there is such a moment that is required and we are not ready to bring it about, we may very well be hindering God’s plan for others and us.  That is an awesome responsibility but it is also an awesome opportunity He gives us.  I pray God will help us recognize its importance

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